In my office, I sit.... full of anxiety!

I am sitting here in my office, music playing softly, window open, candle burning, the smell of fresh-cut grass creeping in from outside, and a lack of peace in my mind. Why? Just yesterday I was filled with so much peace that I thought it would last me months. I was hopeful, positive, and calm. I am not saying that I am not feeling any of those things today but today is just different. I still feel hopeful and positive but the peace has turned into anxiety. I picture my anxiety to be returning from a trip.. coming in abruptly, throwing the suitcase down on the bed, and unzipping it... letting everything spill out onto the bed. Oh, you're back... *eye roll*!! I've gotten much better at taking these anxious thoughts captive and turning them in another direction but it most certainly is not an overnight cure. I keep figuring that I'll fake it until I make it, which actually tends to work in this situation. My therapist told me once that my brain has been thinking a certain way for many years and now I am creating a new neuropathway that will take time to fully develop. She told me that I will still get these anxious thoughts but to talk myself out of them. If you know me personally then you already know that my anxiety is extremely triggered by anything medical. Yesterday, I thought that I was having an aneurysm but it was something that I was able to talk myself out of. Today, I noticed significant swelling in one of my ankles and so here I am again, mind racing freely, which is what prompted this blog post.

I know firsthand how scary anxiety can be. The sheer panic that consumes you... heart racing, sweating, chest pain, suddenly forgetting how to breathe, shaking, and many more terrifying symptoms. This is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy! I know that I have a few things that have been helping me lately and I wanted to share them with you. Some may seem pretty cliché and straight forward but I am going to share them anyways! Maybe someone is new to this anxiety crap and doesn't know where to start! I'll walk you through what it's like inside of my head during one of my panic attacks and how I deal with it.

I open my eyes and check my phone to see what time it is. Does that seriously say 3:07 am? Why the hell am I awake? Ok.. Close your eyes, stop overthinking and go back to sleep. I think I need to go pee... of course... as I just get settled in bed... great! Off to the bathroom, I go. As I am sitting on the toilet half asleep, I feel myself get dizzy and oh lord does the panic set in. I tell myself instantly that chances are, I got up out of bed and came up the stairs too quickly but.... we've passed take off and are full force flying towards panic island! Um, excuse me... I would like off this flight! Turns out that my only way off is to buckle up and ride to my destination. Doesn't mean that I have to stay there! The goal is to jump on the first flight back to Reality valley. Ok, April... Think this through. Ok, first thought.. something is really wrong and I am about to die. Man, why do I do this to myself? Should I try grounding myself? List 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

1. I can see the owl decoration on the wall and it is made of wood and kind of dusty.

2. I can see the hand towel. It looks dry, nubby, and purple.

3. I can see the towel ladder. It is made of wood and is smooth and rustic looking.

4. I can see the... this isn't working tonight and I am going to die!! Something is wrong!

What else can I try? Lavender oil... I put it behind my ears and on both of my wrists. I can feel my pulse slow down slightly! Ok, breathe April! Ok ok… Deep breathing! Slowly breathing in through my nose and slowly breathing out through my mouth. We have the rushed feeling of my panicked, racing heart under control. This is progress!!

Now I need to worry about why I was dizzy in the first place... brain tumor, dehydrated, blood pressure issues? It has to be something serious!! My heart is calm but my mind is on lap 37 of the race track and not showing signs of slowing down! I know that I need to start thinking rationally but it's SO hard! I close my eyes and start talking myself out of it. Right now, everything is ok. It was probably something simple like getting up too fast. I haven't really been drinking much water either lately so that could contribute. I also always have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that causes me to be dizzy all of the time.. this isn't really something out of the normal. If you're still dizzy in the morning then you can always go to a walk-in clinic for peace of mind. At this current moment, you are ok!! Drink some water and remember what you learned in therapy... take control of that anxiety. Don't give it the power. Ok, we aren't doing this anymore. We aren't thinking that way anymore. We are positive and healthy and everything is ok! I can feel my thoughts start to calm as I finally start listening to myself and the words I am speaking. I breathe a sigh of relief as my thoughts start to slow down. I start to come back to reality and realize that I am just fine right now! Ok, let's try and get some sleep now that I am ok!!

Some things work better than others, some work all the time, some work none at all! It is all about finding what works for you!! Remember to ground yourself and bring yourself back to this current moment in time. Right now, YOU ARE OK!! Tell yourself that as many times as you need to. Have a safe person to talk to! I always go to my mom and ask her if I am ok. I have already told her that she needs to record herself telling me that I am ok because I know she won't be around forever. My mom can help ease many panic attacks that relate to anything medical. Don't completely rely on someone else because you need to know how to deal with these things as well. Okay, that's all for me right now... I need to start getting ready for bed before long. Please, if you've read this far and you can relate to this more than you'd like to admit, you are not alone! Please reach out if you need to... I've been there and continue to push through it daily! I can help you to the best of my abilities. I am not a medical professional but I have dealt with it on a personal level for many, many years.

Thank you all for taking the time to read through this!! I wish you all nothing but blessings and great things coming your way!

April Frampton

Whole Healing Bliss