Ectopic, Grief, and Borderline Divorce... Oh My!

Hey guys!

It's me... After a much-needed breather.

I needed to step away from my business for a while as I was hit with everything all at once and I was not ok. I am not sure where to start, and I am not going to go into details about some things at this time as I will save that for future blog posts. By the way, the trigger warning is in the title!!

As some of you may know, I found out in early October of 2021 that my husband and I were expecting. After months of doctor visits and testing, I was nearly 3 months pregnant. By the very end of October, I had lost both of my babies (twins) to a miscarriage and a rare type of ectopic pregnancy and was laying in bed recovering from an emergency hysterectomy. This was not your ordinary "roller coaster of emotions" ... This was a rare case of emotional roller coaster malfunction where the roller coaster flew off its tracks, circled around the sun, plummeted to the bottom of the ocean, and caught on fire. Caught on fire at the bottom of the ocean? What? That makes no sense! Yea, that's my point haha my life and everything happening made no sense to me whatsoever!! I can't express enough how exhausting it was to literally feel every emotion possible in a span of 1 month. I was exhausted to my absolute core. Every single part of my being was exhausted. I wish that was an exaggeration but it definitely is not. I had so much joy, excitement, bliss, and fullness that very quickly turned to worry, and hopefulness yet hopelessness then turned into sadness, rage, anger, bitterness, jealousy, carelessness, hatefulness, and so on. I am still trying to recover from the emotional whiplash.

Time passed and I went through ridiculous ups and downs in the grieving process all while trying to be a mom to my daughter and a wife to my husband, both of which were also grieving. I couldn't understand that people grieve differently and losing a baby or child at any stage/age takes a massive toll on all of your relationships. I will touch more about all of this in a future blog post. Long story short, my husband and I grieved very differently and I thought that since his grief didn't look like mine that it meant he was not grieving. I had a lot of resentment and anger towards so many people but especially towards him. We had some small issues in our marriage that likely could have been fixed easily but the grief made it all overwhelming and unbearable. I saw a side of my husband that I didn't know and I quite frankly, hated. After everything I had gone through, I didn't feel like I had any more fight left in me and so we ended up splitting up. I spent weeks crying and grieving a different kind of loss. When you go through something like the loss of a baby with someone it just connects you in a different way. Sometimes that connection pushes you apart and sometimes it pulls you closer together. In our case, it did a bit of both. I lost 15 pounds because I couldn't eat or sleep... I could hardly function. I was extremely scared for myself as it was the worst my mental health had been in many years. I was in a very dark place and I didn't think that I was going to make it out this time. My husband and I ended up talking through some hard things... it was uncomfortable, messy, and painful but, it was worth it. About 2 months after splitting up we decided that we wanted to work on our marriage. We agreed that we would live separately and that we would both work through our own battles while also working through the struggles we had in our marriage. I'll make another blog post sometime about where that has all gone since then.

One night at about 4:00 am I woke up to go to the bathroom and I had this incredibly strong feeling that my babies were there trying to communicate with me. I don't have experience with connecting to babies so I didn't know what was even going on at first. I instantly broke down. I had a massive panic attack and shut it down immediately. I have never been that overwhelmed by spirit in my entire life. I wanted nothing more than to connect to my babies but I guess maybe it just wasn't the right time for me. When I was going through so much life stress I decided to shut myself off completely to all of it and so I guess it really had me caught off guard. I decided just before Christmas that I would start working on opening myself back up in the new year and get back to doing what I love. So, here I am!! Updating everyone on why I have been gone for a while. I just couldn't get myself in the right state of mind to do readings. My mind was constantly jumbled and overthinking. The ability to focus was something that I absolutely did not have at all!! Thank you to those of you who have stuck around! I hope to connect with each of you at some point! Please be patient as I slowly work on getting back into the swing of things!

Also, the photo used for this post is the photo I took of the lanterns we decorated and sent off on my due date in memory of our sweet little babies. It was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen in my entire life and it made the experience that much more special.